The Secret to Cultivating Empathy When Arguing With Your Partner
As humans, one of our most basic needs is to be understood, and genuine understanding is impossible without empathy. It feels good when someone truly listens to you without passing judgment, attempting to take responsibility for you, or trying to mold you.
Couples who have mastered empathy report that their conflict cycles have substantially changed. That is because partners cease defending their positions and understand one another. Their partners' empathic response is encouraged by their emotional expression. Many couple therapies emphasize disclosing thoughts and feelings and gaining a clear understanding of them; but, as is commonly imagined, does expressing thoughts and feelings improve empathetic accuracy?
According to one study, more feelings and thoughts (observed and self-reported) were linked to the partner's empathic accuracy. When one spouse shares their feelings and thoughts more, the other can more properly deduce their emotions and opinions in that moment and other times throughout the relationship. So, how do therapy and marriage counseling help couples learn empathizing skills?
Marriage therapy and couple’s counseling helps partners express emotions openly and process that communication with curiosity and accurate empathy.
3 Tips for Cultivating Empathy While Arguing With Your Partner
1. Listen without passing judgment and inquire about their emotions
Empathy can only be achieved if all previous notions and judgments about your partner's feelings and needs have been put on hold. When you blame and condemn your partner, you take responsibility for their emotions or are taking their messages personally. This can be an attempt to shield or protect yourself by passing judgment on your partner's experience.
To sympathize with your spouse at a level that heals and brings you closer, you must devote your full attention to their expression. Practice non-defensive communication and concentrate on knowing your partner's feelings to achieve this.
It's a lot simpler to grasp your partner's point of view when you listen to their sentiments with your whole being. Begin by being interested in how they're feeling. Truly be curious and ask questions to understand better why they are feeling the way they are. This will make it easier for you to understand their situation.It will also encourage people to communicate more feelings and thoughts and help to ensure a more open path of communication and the possibility for deeper empathy.
2. Take time to pause and understand their feelings
Couples can also learn to pause and double-check as they go to ensure they are accurately expressing empathy. When your partner expresses their feelings, reiterate them and ask if you understood them correctly. This allows your partner to share their experience exactly as it is in the moment and will enable you to sympathize with the true meaning accurately. When couples are in many disputes, pausing is necessary to keep the talk on track.
3. Process and validate their feelings instead of instantly reacting
Listening without judging and pausing allows both partners more time to process feelings and thoughts, reflecting rather than reacting carefully. Your partner will become more conscious of their own feelings and thoughts as they evolve, and you will become more aware of your own reactions to what you are learning about them.
Express your regard for your partner's viewpoints and feelings as normal and valid, even if they differ from yours. Validating your partner's perspective doesn’t mean to abandon your own. Empathizing demonstrates that you understand their sentiments and are essential to them.
References:
Sels, Laura & Ickes, William & Hinnekens, Céline & Ceulemans, Eva & Verhofstadt, Lesley. (2021). Expressing thoughts and feelings leads to greater empathic accuracy during relationship conflict. Journal of Family Psychology. 35. 10.1037/fam0000871.
