Five Steps to Getting the Support You Want
Communication breaks down easily. We really don’t want to be misunderstood in moments when we really need support. When we need support, it is helpful to put the following five steps in place to get the help we are looking for!
Express your true desires
Take some time to consider what you truly want.
Most of us are not looking for an argument but often find ourselves in one. Usually, it’s because we do not think about what we really want out of a conversation.
Do we want a nonjudgmental listening ear?
Are we looking for wisdom or advice?
Do we want to be cheered up and need encouragement?
Are we needing practical help?
2. Identify The Right Person
This is a BIG one!
Not everyone can always give us what we want. We all have strengths and weaknesses. It’s important to choose someone who can offer us the support we are actually looking for. Some of us are better at giving directions on the next steps, others are better at providing practical support, and many are better at just sitting with others in silence. Think about your relationships with your spouse, family, and friends who has provided that type of support in the past? Is there someone else we may want to spend more time with who we know has offered this type of support to others? Do you need to find support outside your regular circles for help like a fitness coach, movers, support group, etc?
“It’s important to choose someone who can offer us the support we are actually looking for”
3. Pick an Appropriate Time & Place
Timing is just as important as figuring out what kind of support we want and who to ask.
Sometimes, we have trouble getting our desires met simply because of timing or place. It can be awkward to have a conversation is when you are in direct earshot of others, between meetings, or first thing in the morning. If at all possible, choose a time and place when you and the other person will be most receptive. Text messages and phone calls are appropriate for some conversations; but, certainly not others.
How much time will the conversation need?
Does it need to be private?
Where might the best place be to have the conversation for you both?
Consider what may be happening before and after the conversation, too!
4. Share with Specifics
It’s important to first communicate how we are feeling and what led us to feel this way. People can connect to emotion. When we also describe the context of our feelings, it helps give others a clearer representation of our experience. Then, make a specific request. It is helpful to use “I” statements when doing so.
Example: I had a terrible day at work today. I feel exhausted, frustrated, and drained from all the new changes. I’d really like to tell you about it. I’m not looking to problem-solve or find a solution, I’d like to have you listen and provide encouragement.
5. Show Appreciation
When we make a request of someone, it costs them something. Even if they are just lending their ear. When a person truly hears us, they suspend their own thoughts, desires, and wishes to attend to us. It’s important to let them know we appreciate them for taking the time to help. It also encourages them to continue to try, even if they don’t get it exactly right the first time. Telling our loved ones we are thankful for them is motivating and helps to maintain relationships.
