The Secret Skill that Transforms Communication
When working with families or couples, one problem that consistently comes up is communication.
Communication consists of a sender, a message, and a receiver. Ideally, the receiver understands the message in the way the sender intended. But it doesn’t always happen.
The reason is there is no check-in to indicate the sender received the message.
This is where validation comes in.
What is Validation?
Oxford University Press dictionary defines validation as, "the recognition or affirmation that person or their feelings or opinions are valid or worthwhile."
At the core of validation is an acknowledgment that we are conversing with a fellow human. A person with whom we can connect through sharing a full range of similar or different thoughts and feelings gathered through this existence. Martin Buber calls this an I-Thou relationship which means recognizing and acknowledging the depth of another experience rather than creating a hierarchy by dismissing, minimizing, judging, or objectifying them in what he refers to as an I-It relationship.
Why Is Validation Important?
Take a minute and think of the last time you talked to someone who completely missed the point of what you were saying.
Did the person try to tell you how you were feeling or fix it through advice and problem-solving?
Was your perspective ignored as the person continued talking about the subject without relating it back to you?
Did your heart sink a little?
Did you start to feel irritated or annoyed?
Did you tell yourself, “ Forget it, they just don’t understand,” or “I’m never sharing anything like this with them again?”
We usually have negative reactions when we feel invalidated. Generally, we either try to force our perspective on them by trying to be louder or more convincing; or, we close ourselves off from the person by burying our perspective. In either case, lack of validation can create unwanted emotional distance. We feel misunderstood. Sometimes, we can feel so misunderstood we turn inward to focus on that feeling causing us to disengage and misunderstand the other person too!
Validation communicates to the other person that we see, hear, and seek to understand. It nonjudgmentally acknowledges the other perspective as unique to them and different from ours. Validation identifies and acknowledges common feelings like fear, happiness, anger, sadness, excitement, frustration, joy, etc. Validation sounds like, “ The person before me has a whole range of experiences and feelings separate from my own and this is the perspective from which they speak. I can mirror the perspective back; and, while I may not understand that perspective fully, I can identify that they feel a strong emotion. I can connect with feeling a strong emotion as a fellow being because we all experience the whole gamut of human emotion.” I can acknowledge their experience as valid to them.
What Validation is Not!
Validation often gets a bad rap. We tend to think that by validating another perspective, we position ourselves to agree with or condone the view. Validation does not mean that you agree or approve. Validation is an acknowledgment that the other person has a perspective and feelings associated with it. I commonly introduce validation by asking individuals to share their favorite ice cream flavors. A person may enjoy vanilla because of the smooth, creamy flavor. They may have a special memory associated with it— like it was a treat marking the first day of summer vacation as a student. We may like chocolate fudge because of its rich, sweet taste and thick texture. We would not consider someone wrong for desiring vanilla because we prefer chocolate. Validation states, “I hear that you like vanilla because you like the smooth and creaminess of it. It brings up a sense of nostalgia for you” Does this mean that we agree that vanilla ice cream is the best? No! (No disrespect to all the vanilla ice cream lovers out there!)
Also, validation is not an insincere watered-down version of empathy. The validation process is not to be mechanical. The goal is to expand our knowledge of the other person and requires a genuine desire to hear and understand. It could mean asking follow-up questions for clarification, demystifying nuances, and showing interest. Validation can be expanded to curiously ask, “How did it feel when the end of the school year came when you knew you were celebrating with vanilla ice cream? Was there ever a time you did not get vanilla ice cream after finishing a grade year? What was that like for you? Were there other times you marked a significant event in your life with vanilla ice cream?” Validation does not say, “So, you said you liked vanilla ice cream, huh?" or " Yeah, you said you liked vanilla, right? ”
Validation Exercise
Next time, you are communicating with another person. Try the following four steps.
Look At the Person- Practice good eye contact. Remind yourself of who they are to you. Keep that relationship in mind. Create a mantra or remind yourself of your values, if helpful. Ex. This is my spouse who I vowed to love, honor, and respect. Ex. I am someone who values compassion, courage, and kindness.
Listen Carefully- Often, we listen to respond and not to hear. Authentic listening requires temporarily suspending our thoughts, feelings, and perspectives to make space for the other. Pay attention to the words, context, and nonverbals like tones and gestures.
Reflect Back- Provide a summary of the perspective of the other, including facts, feelings, and desires mentioned by the other person. Take time to acknowledge that you can hear that it makes sense to them!
Ask Questions- Check in with the person to see if you accurately reflected what was said and ask for more details about the position.
References:
(2022) Lexico Dictionaries. (n.d.). Validation English definition and meaning. Definition of "Validation" Lexico Dictionaries | English. Retrieved July 11, 2022, from https://www.lexico.com/en/definition/validation \
Buber, M. (2016, April). Maximus Veritas. Retrieved July 12, 2022, from http://www.maximusveritas.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/04/iandthou.pdf
