In the musical Bye Bye Birdie, Dick Van Dyke famously sings the song “Put on a Happy Face”. In 1988, Bobby McFerrin’s “Don’t Worry Be Happy” reached #1 on the Billboard top 100 chart and has been hailed by some as an anthem to happiness. In 2014, Taylor Swift’s, “Shake it off” remained the #1 song for two consecutive weeks. (No disrespect to Taylor, it’s a good song!)

Let’s be honest here.

These songs have been popular for a reason. We like moving past our pain and problems and looking forward to the future knowing that today's troubles won’t last forever. We also want to feel happy. It’s why we tell ourselves to, “choose happiness or joy,” or “think positively”. However, when we fake positive emotions at the expense of our negative emotions, it causes more problems than it solves.

“When we fake positive emotions at the expense of our negative emotions, it causes more problems than it solves.

Laura Sokal, Lesley Eblie Trudel, and Jeff Babb are Canadian researchers who studied teacher stress and burnout during the Covid 19 pandemic and often came across the phrase, “toxic positivity” from teachers who felt pressure to “be positive”. Toxic positivity is looking through rose-colored lenses seeking to deny or reject any acknowledgment of stress or negativity. Don’t we all do this sometimes to get through hard times? Sure.

But, it isn’t always helpful.

Dr. Susan David, a university professor and psychologist, wrote an article in Harvard Business Review about emotional agility explaining that pushing past challenging emotions is costly. In her article, she states, “when we ignore our emotions—particularly difficult ones such as anger or sadness— we are cutting off an essential piece of data that can help us figure out what our values are, and what choices to make to act in our own best interest”. In other words, all emotions whether pleasant or unpleasant are helpful indicators. Dr. David explains that some of us “bottle” our emotions while others “brood” over them. Neither of these two coping strategies are helpful in the long run because they are attempts to control, ignore, “manage” or avoid negative emotions— which only makes them grow larger. We lose time as we stay in jobs, relationships, and environments that our emotions have been telling us are not serving us well. We inhibit ourselves from advantageous opportunities and stunt our growth.

What’s the solution?

Dr. David recommends showing up to those difficult emotions. Showing up, she explains, is the capacity to open yourself to the thoughts and emotions you have without questioning them.

She recommends:

1. Practicing Acceptance - Allow emotions as they are without wrestling them away or taking them as facts.

2.  Observing Your Self - Look at your patterns and consider how you respond when you experience a negative emotion. This download is available to help you observe your patterns.

3.  Assessing Emotional Agility Level - It’s hard to know where you are going if you don’t know where you are. Test your current emotional agility, here.

This practice helps you to build your emotional agility and helps to prevent those “toxic positivity” lenses.

If you are someone who tends to hold back your true feelings when you are feeling upset, say “yes” when you want to say “no”, or just feel your emotions are out of control, Briargrove Family is here to help you bring back the emotional balance you desire.

References:

Columbia Pictures. (1963). Bye Bye Birdie [DVD]. Culver City, CA.

David, S., & Congleton, C. (2013). Emotional agility. Harvard Business Review, 91(11), 125-131.

Sokal, L., Eblie Trudel, L., & Babb, J. (2020). It’s okay to be okay too. Why calling out teachers’“toxic positivity” may backfire.

Trust, G. (2017, October 2). This Week in Billboard chart history: In 1988, Bobby McFerrin chilled at no. 1. Billboard. Retrieved February 24, 2023, from https://www.billboard.com/pro/this-week-in-billboard-chart-history-in-1988-bobby-mcferrin/

Trust, G. (2014, September, 9). Taylor Swift's 'shake it off' holds at no. 1 on hot 100. Billboard. Retrieved February 24, 2023, from https://www.billboard.com/pro/taylor-swifts-shake-it-off-holds-at-no-1-on-hot-100/